Wilderness Experience October 1, 2008

So I am lost in my life for the most part. I looked into defering my scholarship so I could take a semester off and just take one French class at CCC to catch myself up, but if I defer my scholarship then I can’t go to another school. I don’t really want to just straight up not be in school. I want to finish soon damnit! The major problem with not being able to do my determent plan is that Dallas isn’t going to go to France until the semester after I go. I don’t know what Lindsay will be up to. This means there is a good chance I will be going alone. I don’t want to but I have my heart set on studying in Paris. I don’t want to go alone though.

 

I have a French test tomorrow. I think I will do okay. Seeing as that I am doing this and not finishing my workbook might lead to a poorer grade than I am shooting for. I am incredible at procrastination. Incredible.

 

I told Joseph I didn’t want to see him. It was hard, but definately a step in the right direction. We broke up a freaking year ago and I am still hung up. I sure let that guy do a number on me. I sure as hell am not doing that again.

 

Speaking of…So there is this guy. He likes photography (amazing) and bikes (awesome) and we are going camping together sometime soon (hell yes). I am really excited about perusing something with him, but am kind of nervous too. I am going to keep reminding myself that I am my own person and my friends come first and school is very important (oh and he likes school which is great). I mean, nothing might come of all this so I don’t want to get my hopes up. Still, he is really great and nice (and good looking!) and makes me smile

 

Winter is approaching and I am pumped. Although I don’t like having to get around in the snow, I love the feel of wintertime. Hot chocolate, soup, movies, blankets, looking out my window. Oh man. I hope I have someone to snuggle with

 

Seeing as that I have been procrastinating since 3:35, I should get to work.

 

Your Confused Friend,

Katy

Its been a while. September 25, 2008

So I haven’t been writing in this for a while. I am going to start again. Its a nice forum for organizing my thoughts.

 

So I am in school again. Pretty stressed about that, due mostly to learning the French language. Not easy. Four classes, Four days of work. We’ll see how this goes. Nervous breakdown maybe.

 

In other news, I am becoming involved in extracurricular activities for the first time, well, ever. Not only that, I am STARTING a club. Oh and planning a trip to Sundance Film Festival. Oh and helping with the French Film Festival on campus. Oh and probably am going to be a major volunteer at the Sedona International Film Festival. No big. First film club meeting at my house tonight. Its going to be fantastic.

 

So…still single. Not much to say there. Guys tend to meet me and seem a little interested then after a week or two decide their feelings for me are best left at platonic. Wonderful. Probably better for me, but I am still bitter about it.

 

James wants to start the zine up for real this time. So there you go. I am drawing a comic for it.

 

Speaking of comics I thought of an idea for one: Kendall and I go on a road trip to find love. We have conversations about our ideals of love and past relationships and all. (I want the music we listen to to be noted because it is a very important aspect to a road trip) Then we meet two people who we get along real well with. We spend a few nights with our prospective loves (they seem to be everything we wanted, we connected with them in our preferred manners…). We head home after those few nights and realize that we won’t speak with them again and leave our loves stories short and untainted. They weren’t the ones for us anyhow. We decided that we are very lucky to have friends like each other. THE END. I will pitch it to Kendall. Haha.

 

Must do homework.

 

Your Friend,

Katy

uhhhh April 24, 2008

I am drunk. Joseph doesnt understand me. School is overwhelming. I am starting to have friends. Disneyland.

Your Drunk,

katy

Astrick points April 1, 2008

*River trip was fun, but outdoorsy stuff is decidedly not my style. Bring on big cities and Disneyland, thank you.

*To whoever told my ex-boyfriend about my ridiculous romantic adventures: you are annoying.

*Talking to my ex-boyfriend about dating other people is weird.

*Everything I do for school is last minute.

*River trip + period + stress = acne major

*France? probably.

*my bra smells like a campfire

Ummmm, thats all.

Your Friend,
Katy

I killed my plant…So it goes. March 24, 2008

So the end of this semsester is going to go by so fast. I am going to make it because I am going to DISNEYLAND with two of the most important people in my life. Which is awesome. Disneyland. It will help me get through. I can get through.

I am going on a RIVER TRIP with Women’s and Gender Studies this weekend. Dallas told me to get diaper rash cream and moleskin. I have a huge assignment due the Tuesday after I get back but I decided I can only do things last minute and I need to embrace that fact. 10 page paper tomorrow. Yes.

My wisdom tooth is coming in. I am learning so much in school it could not be contained. Surgery? I hope not.

The new store (New Frontiers) is coming soon! I can’t wait. Its going to rule so hard even if it kind of freaks me out. Its like starting a new job but I know how to do most of it and I know everyone I work with already. Uh…weird.

I can’t believe I killed that plant. Its one of those ones that just lives in water that is basically impossible to kill. I guess I am just a natural born killer. Huh.

I am not getting anything done right now.

Your Friend,
Katy

Crap. March 20, 2008

My paper on western feminist discourse about female genital surgeries is not shaping up so hot. I don’t really know what to say other than Alice Walker is really eurocentric and so are western feminists and we need to not be like that anymore but I don’t know how. I feel like the paper I am going to write has already been written by others so whats the point? I don’t know how to expand my argument so it isn’t simply rewording and reordering other essays that are doing what I set out to do. Its hard to write a paper about how feminists shouldn’t go around preaching about stuff they don’t understand when I don’t know what I am talking about. Um, it’s like going to school and learning to resist a system that I have to also submit to.

Lately, I feel like a crappy feminist. I eat meat. I like boys too much. I don’t know how to say things so they’re non-offensive. I drive too much. Who the hell I am to write things down in a zine? Dang.

Also, I am in love with Joseph.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Your Friend,
KATY

Waves. March 16, 2008

First Wave = Racist

Second Wave = White

Third Wave = Confused

Your Friend,
Katy

In case there was any doubt that I am awesome… March 15, 2008

It’s Friday night, the first of spring break 2008 mind you, and I am at home alone making snickerdoodles and reading Alice in Wonderland.

You don’t fuck with that. Totally Awesome.

Your Friend,
Katy

Mother, Father, Son and Horse. March 12, 2008

Bad:
-My shower is clogged
-I have to write a paper right now
-I have to write 2 papers for tomorrow
-No time for relaxing over spring break
-No sex
-Stupid classes
-No time to learn what I want to learn
-The air mattress
-Super stressed
-My hair looks bad
-Dallas is gone for a week

Good:
-Poetry slam tonight f/ Myrlin
-Almost spring break (1/2 of semester finished)
-Lots of amazing conversations lately
-Sometimes people call me to hang out
-Being emotional
-Learning
-Tattoos!
-River Trip!
-The weather is warming
-Tank top shopping soon
-I can do it.

It just is, right?

Your Friend,
Katy

Conversation with my Professor: March 11, 2008

Okay,

So it may be ridiculous for me to be telling you all this but I have
been asking people for advice and no one seems to really understand
the depth of my social confusion…

It all begins with me loving to love and loving to be touched (I am
straight unfortunately, so I am referring to being loved and touched
by guys). I do consider myself a feminist but I feel like I am always
making decisions based on whether it can get me a good-looking boy to
date and kiss (read: shallow). My problem is that I can find the
boys, but I skip the dating part and go straight for the physical -
before I even know the guy! I am not looking for a long relationship
at this moment so when I want to get some action, this is how I
usually go about it. I do enjoy myself a lot while in the moment – I
always considered myself a sexual being – and do a pretty good job of
not having sex with the semi-stranger, but I always feel like crap
after the initial excitement of the encounter wears off.

So the major question is: do I feel badly about being sexual because
society tells me it makes me a slut or do I feel badly because there
is a part of me that doesn’t like being physical with someone who
doesn’t know me as a person? Am I subscribing to the idea that I am
not allowed to be sexual or the idea that being sexual is necessary
for me to be desirable to the men I want? If all of me felt it was
wrong I don’t think I would keep doing it.

Bah. I am confused. Do you have any input?

Sincerly,
Katy Willis

****Her Response****

Sex is a natural human biological need. Don’t get caught up in all the social construction around it being right or wrong. In terms of your feelings after sex, many things could be operating for you. Maybe you want your partner to know you as a person for more intimacy…which is different from just sex. do you want just sex or a relationship? Do you want intimacy or just sex? If you want intimacy with sex, get to know your partner first and see what happens. Start as friends first…clock some time with your partner to see if you really like them or if they like you. This will add intimacy if you decide to take the relationship to the physical level. Experiment with it and see what feels better to you.

This is a short answer to a very complex question…I don’t know enough about you to say too much more. Maybe some therapy would help you go deeper with this and come to some real conclusions.

See you in class, Dr. Hannemann