I Am The Catch.
Its amazing to see your dreams come true. To watch them happen in real time. Its like living inside your dreams, but when you eat shit on the metro, it still hurts and totally leaves a bruise. In any case, I am going to Sienna, Florence, Leeds and Barcelona in the next two weeks. My life rules.
As I have mentioned before, Paris is not my town, and as the spring starts to bloom, I will hold firm to that statement. I will hold even when you can almost taste the 40% crème fraiche in the air and hear the grass growing green in the parks. If you are willing to look past the advertisements for American films and give a hefty “va te faire foutre” to abrasive men, Paris is a lovely shithole to find yourself in this time of year. I plan to enjoy it fully.
I bloom like flowers when the sun comes out. I feel positive. I become more aware of my body and am motivated to take care of it. My outfits become wild, my hair is cut constantly. And I fall in love with everything.
It’s strange to find yourself in that limbo between interest and affection. Not knowing where yet to place your feelings. Do you trust an instinct that has failed you consistently for the past 4 years, a judgment clouded by hurt feelings and sad songs? Or do you trust the defensiveness indicating genuine feelings; trust a resistance from the ego: sensing something lovely real in the connection like a king running away from a burning castle with a load of gold and precious jewels in arm. Maybe you trust the signs from the universe whispering a distant country’s name in your ear over and over again. Maybe you trust no one, and especially not yourself because no one has hurt you like you. Maybe.
It reminds me of the only poem I have written since elementary school that I care to claim. It was inspired by a class trip to the library and it goes like this:
I used to be an open book
but the wrong people kept checking me out
So now I remain in Special Collections
where at lease I feel unique.
Yes, the next one will have to earn it. And I will be worth it.
Your Friend,
Katy
